Relationship therapy gets a bad rap.
As a relationship counsellor, I naturally scan social media posts where people ask for recommendations for couples counselling. Instead of seeing my name (or any other therapist’s name) in the comments, I’m often confronted by a barrage of criticism:
“Save your money for a lawyer.”
“Just go to the pub.”
“Don’t waste your time.”
I feel deflated and frustrated when I read these comments, partly because I understand where they’re coming from.
I’ll admit relationship therapy and I have had a rocky relationship ourselves. We’ve broken up, made up, and spent a long time trying to figure out how to make things work. Deep down, I know it can be incredibly effective. When it’s good, it’s really good.
But something needed to change.
After a lot of reflection, I realised there are two main reasons relationship therapy often fails.
1. Poor Timing
I’m one of those people who arrives at least ten minutes early. Most couples, however, arrive at relationship therapy years, sometimes decades, too late.
The idea of counselling gets mentioned after every argument, but it’s rarely acted upon until someone is ready to press the eject button. One partner finally decides the relationship is over, and the other hits the panic button and calls me.
This leaves me with one client expecting emergency surgery on the relationship and another hoping I’ll confirm that the patient has already flatlined.
In my opinion, this is the worst possible time to attend therapy.
When you’re in crisis, you’re on high alert. You’re overwhelmed, exhausted, defensive, and looking at the situation through a very narrow lens. Effective relationship work requires curiosity, openness, flexibility, and a willingness to explore different perspectives.
Those qualities are difficult to access when you’re fighting for survival.
My Solution
Attend relationship therapy before the storm arrives or after it has passed.
I know what you’re thinking: “Why would we go when things are going well?”
Because that’s exactly the point.
Therapy shouldn’t only be a place you visit when everything is falling apart. It can be a space for meaningful conversations, deeper understanding, exploration, growth, and connection.
Ideally, it should even be enjoyable.
2. The Blame Game
The second problem is that many couples arrive hoping the therapist will change the other person.
Relationship therapy kept telling me I needed to communicate more effectively and be more direct. I wasn’t interested in hearing what I could do differently. I just wanted someone to tell relationship therapy to pull its socks up and stop being so moody.
Surely if a professional backed me up, the problem would be solved?
Many therapy sessions can start to resemble a courtroom. There are accusations, justifications, evidence, denials, and closing arguments.
The words he, she, they, and we get thrown around regularly.
The word I often gets left behind.
The reality is that you cannot control or change another person’s behaviour. You can only change your own.
Relationship therapy doesn’t work when people attend hoping the therapist will fix their partner. It works when both people are willing to reflect on themselves, take responsibility for their contribution to the dynamic, and make meaningful changes.
Therapy of any kind requires self-awareness and growth. Relationship therapy simply means sharing that process with someone else.
My Solution
I’ve become much more direct about who relationship therapy is for.
I work with couples who are ready to engage, self-reflect, and take ownership of their part in the relationship.
Couples who are willing to unite against the problem rather than against each other.
The Punchline
Relationship therapy doesn’t work when:
- You wait until the relationship is in crisis.
- You attend hoping the therapist will fix your partner.
Relationship therapy can work wonders when:
- You seek support before problems become overwhelming.
- You are curious about what you can do differently.
- Both partners are willing to learn, grow, and make changes together.
The Sales Pitch
Have you or your partner ever floated the idea of relationship counselling?
Have either of you ever said, “We’re not bad enough yet”?
Are you in the calm before the next storm?
If so, don’t wait for the relationship to reach breaking point. Book an appointment now.
I help individuals and couples get unstuck from unhealthy patterns, behaviours, and relationships. The Unstuck Method is designed to help you gain meaningful insights from the very first session, so you can create lasting change. Find out more at Blue Wren Therapy.
