Could every issue you face boil down to a C word? No, it’s not communication—although that plays a role. In fact, you have a choice of 3 C’s: control, connection or competence. These are core emotional needs that sit at the root of your discontent. When neglected, they can dish out doses of anger, sadness, or anxiety.
The tricky part is, when you try to express these feelings, you often focus on the situation itself. “How many times have I told you to fold my socks, not roll them in a ball?” you might explode in exasperation. I know this may seem like a sock folding issue, but it’s more likely linked to a deeper need for control, connection, or competence—or perhaps a mix of all three.
Let’s dive deeper into these needs in more detail. As you read, think of a current challenge you’re facing and consider which C’s are at play.
Control
Are you feeling out of control? Do you lack a sense of agency or influence over a situation? Have you lost a sense of self?
Don’t worry, we all struggle when we feel out of control. You need to have a sense of agency, and autonomy over your life. When this need is met, you feel confident, motivated, and secure—you feel like yourself. When it’s lacking, you can feel stressed, helpless, and lost.
But let’s clear something up. Control isn’t about domination or manipulation. It’s about healthy agency. You can have control with others, not over them. You also can’t control everything. You will always have things outside of your control. That’s why you need to focus on what you can control which includes your behaviours and actions.
Does this sound like something you need to work on? Think about the challenge you are currently facing. What can you control or influence? Is there one small action you can take today? For further guidance read my blogs on Response- ability and Hope and Boundaries.
Even if control is the main issue, keep reading – connection and competence may also be at play.
Connection
Are you feeling lonely or unsupported? Do you crave deeper relationships or a sense of belonging?
Connection is that warm, comforting feeling of being close to and valued by others. It’s about mutual respect, support and feeling like you belong. As much as we value autonomy, we also need connection. Without it you can feel lonely, unconsidered and invisible.
Healthy relationships thrive on a balance of connection and independence. Unfortunately, achieving this balance can be tricky. Often, one person prioritises connection while another focuses on independence. This does not create balance- instead it fuels disconnection. Instead, each person needs to pour into both in equal measures. Are you pouring to much or too little into your connections?
If connection is lacking, it may be to time to check the balance on your emotional bank accounts. Unsure what that means? Check out my blog on Keep your Relationship in the Black for tips on building and not breaking connections.
Before you reconnect and take control, there’s one more C you’ll want to consider—competence.
Competence
Do you feel like you’re not good enough? Afraid you’ll fail? Or like your efforts aren’t recognised or valued?
Competence is about believing in your abilities and knowing you have something valuable to contribute. It’s that confident inner voice that says, “You’ve got this”. When competency is lacking, self-doubt creeps in. Self-doubt can reap havoc on your sense of agency and ability to connect with others. You might find yourself shying away or working extra hard to prove yourself.
It’s important to remember, you have strengths and weaknesses. You can’t be good at everything. A common mistake people make when trying to build their competence is to focus on improving weaknesses. While you can improve your weaknesses, progress is slow and requires a lot of energy. You might find yourself dropping the ball in other areas, leading you to feel worse.
Instead, you need to focus on your strengths. This is the quickest route to regain competence. Once you’ve built up your competence, you may be ready to chip away at weakness. Find out more about how to work on your Strengths.
Communication
Now that you have identified what you actually need, it’s time to communicate it. Instead of focusing on the surface situation, talk about the underlying need-whether it’s for more control, connection or competence. When you talk about what you really need, you take the sting out of the conversation. Especially if you come prepared with strategies and clear ways others can help you.
I hope this has helped you identify the root cause of a challenge you’re facing.
If you’d like to explore this further, book an appointment. Let’s make sure your 3 C needs are met.
michelle@bluewrentherapy.com.au or 0419 191 863.